sick jokes ??

[Lumos]

Which of these do you like - or are they just too sick ??

1.
Back when I was a rural doctor I knew an old couple who had a problem:
The 80+ y/o husband was on Parkinson meds that made him have unwanted boners and his wife who was ~70 was all worn out from the bonings.
So they made a deal.
They hired a young Ukranian live-in maid who did the housework and also played hide the sausage with the old man.

2.
A couple are dressing up for a formal event.
The wife gets into her dress and asks her husband;
"Does this make my butt look too big, dear ?"

The husband sighs and says;
"Sweetie, do you promise that you won’t get angry, no matter what I say?"

The wife gulps and says;
"Of course, dear, I promise, I won’t get angry."

The husband looks her over from all sides and says;
"I slept with your cousin."

A few minutes later with a big smile on her face - she shoots him dead.

3.
A seagoing ship has an accident far out at sea and sinks.
6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive it by using a lifeboat, and they somehow reach a small and deserted island.

After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived.

So they made an agreement...
Each man would 'marry' the one woman for a week at a time.

So the first man is with her for one week, the 2nd man is with her for the 2nd week, and so on.
Everyone would be getting sex and they all agree to it happily.

It stayed that way for five years and everyone was happy enough with it.

Each man got sex every fifth week and the woman got to have sex whenever she wanted with a different man every week.

A few weeks into the fifth year, the woman got sick and died.

The 1st week after that was pretty bad; the 2nd week was still pretty bad, the 3rd week was getting even worse, the 4th week things are just bad, real bad, and the 5th week was just awful.

It got so very bad, that on the 6th week they finally buried her.

Here's my opinions:
#1 is cute, but needs a better punchline; #2 sounds like a real-life story and #3 is just a wee bit too gross for me !!

[Joeblack1]

Write more, You have talent!

[Lumos]

Thanks for your kind words Joeblack1 !!
Most often these are just things seen here and there - I don't write this kind of stuff myself very much.

Here's anudder that I ran across today which may be good for a giggle in such a serious time:

Quote: A man came to visit his grandparents.
He immediately noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

He exclaimed:
'Grandpa, what are you doing?
Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!'

The old man just looked off into the distance without answering.

He asked again:
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?'

The old man slowly looked at him and said:
'Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.'

[Bonrat]

... and on the 7th week... They dug her back up.

[Lumos]

Eeeeew !?!

[Lumos]

Here is one that came around today - hopefully new to some folks:
*****************************************************************************
One fine day centuries ago a king and queen wanted to go fishing, so they asked the royal weather forecaster to forecast for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured them that there was no chance of rain.
The king and queen left their palace to go fishing.

On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said….

“Your Majesties, you should return to the palace!
In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm.”

The king replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.
He is an educated and experienced professional.
Besides, I pay him very high wages.
He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”

So, they continued on their way.

A short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.
The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, they returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then they summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said:
“Your Majesties, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So they hired the donkey too.

Thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

This practice remains unbroken despite the passage of centuries since that time.

(I, personally, despise all things political, but that punch line DID get some giggles !!)

[Lumos]

And another, which I think is VERY cute !!:

An attractive young woman was on a flight from Ireland.
There was a priest sitting beside her, and she asked him:
"Father, may I ask a favor of you?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she got in line behind the priest.

The official asked:
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he then asked:
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

The priest replied:
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said:
"Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

Enjoy and prosper !!

[Lumos]

Long time without any addition here....so...here !!

A Chinese doctor cant find any job in a hospital in America, so...
Instead he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads:
"GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Dr.: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Dr.: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."

Dr.: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Dr.: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."

Dr.: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”

Dr.: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
.
.

[Lumos]

After 2020 I'm sure ready for some more lighthearted stuff !!

The video posted below is great IMO.

Of course this is also because I really enjoy the works of Gilbert Gottfried and perhaps some other folks here will also find this enjoyable ??
(Be warned it is loaded with gay jokes so if those offend you...skip it.)
((I'm not of that persuasion myself - but George Takei is, and he laughs hard the whole time.))

[Lumos]

A farmer buys a young rooster.
As soon as he gets it home,it screws the farmers 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed.
At lunch time the rooster again screws all 150 hens.
Next day the rooster is screwing the ducks and the geese too.

Later in the day,the farmer finds the rooster laying in the yard half dead with vultures circling overhead.

The farmer says "you deserved it,you horny b.a.s.t.a.r.d"

The rooster opens one eye and says shhhhhhh they are about to land !!