sick jokes ??

[solar33]

Now, that one I really liked. Made me lol.
Cheers!

(01-22-2021 02:26 PM)smithnowt Wrote:  A farmer buys a young rooster.
As soon as he gets it home,it screws the farmers 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed.
At lunch time the rooster again screws all 150 hens.
Next day the rooster is screwing the ducks and the geese too.

Later in the day,the farmer finds the rooster laying in the yard half dead with vultures circling overhead.

The farmer says "you deserved it,you horny b.a.s.t.a.r.d"

The rooster opens one eye and says shhhhhhh they are about to land !!

[Lumos]

Here's a 'safe' one to start with...:

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked...
"And where the hell were you when I got married?"

***************************************************************

Fair warning @ anyone truly religious - skip this next joke !!

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit."

They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace.
"This is your house now, here are your keys."
The man is happy and thanks the devil.
The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars.
"These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys.
Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars!
How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer.
There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens and puppies everywhere.

They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench.
She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other.
The man couldn´t be any happier.
The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence.
He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked.
There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents.
Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening.
A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil:
"What is going on there?"

The devil just shrugs and says:
"Those are the Christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"

[Lumos]

An oldie and goodie, worthy of a snicker or 3 IMO:

A woman walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist to sell her some arsenic.

The pharmacist asks:
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The woman says:
"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.

The woman then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position;
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
She shows that to the pharmacist.

He looks at the photo and says:
"Oh I didn't know you had a prescription !"

[Lumos]

This brought me good giggles:



This pic is so very true - a bit sad actually IMO - but still cute:

[Lumos]

A man called an electrician to repair his doorbell.
The electrician didn’t show up for 4 days.
The man called back.
The electrician replied:
“Mister, I’ve been coming out there for 4 days. I press the bell and nobody comes.”

************************************

A dad is washing car with his son...
The son says:
“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?!”

************************************

My wife said to me:
“Can we do some role play?”
I said: “Ok yeah. What do you suggest?”
She said: “Firefighter to the rescue.”
I wish she’d hurry up...
I’ve been stuck up this tree dressed as a cat for twelve hours now !

[Lumos]

Funny...or ???



Maybe so or maybe not - but it'd be great if he would do it !!

[Lumos]

Here is today's lot...

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver
to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass ?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“We have to eat grass.”

“Well, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,”
the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there eating grass under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated,
“You may come with us, also.”

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
“But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for car as
large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
“Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high.”

*******************************

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. That was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “Divorce attorney.”

*******************************

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tries to take the step, but only to discover that she could not.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reaches behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more legroom to get on the first step of the bus.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.”

*******************************

Laughter is good for the soul - 'specially when we can laugh at lawyers !!

[Lumos]

A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream:
“Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them:
“I bought it today.”

“With what money!?” demanded his parents.
“We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.
“Don’t know her name — they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser.
Who knows what she will do next?
John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, "I thought my husband was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.
This morning I got a phone call from my husband he claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
So I did.”..................

[Lumos]

Two informally dressed women had a conversation to pass an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first woman was a Californian married to a wealthy man.

The second was an elderly woman from the South.

The conversation sterted by being about their children, of course.

The Californian started by saying:
“When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from the South simply replied:
“Well, bless your heart.”

The other woman continued:
“When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.”

Again, the lady from the South simply replied:
“Well, bless your heart.”

The first woman continued boasting:
“Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Once again, the Southern lady simply replied:
“Well, bless your heart.”

The first woman then asked her:
“What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school.” She declared.

“Charm school?” the first cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”

The Southern lady responded:
“Well, for example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a shit? ’ I learned to say, ‘Well, bless your heart.’”

[Lumos]

At long last...finally...anudder one to add here:

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.
He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said “that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?”

“Oh, that?” she said.
“That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
.
.

Or...
Speaking factually now and as a formerly married man (twice) who remains unmarried now, but living with a female partner - from the man's POV:

Just avoid speaking altogether UNLESS it is a life or death emergency, 'cuz no matter what the man says - he is always wrong !!

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Sometimes living does truly suck...
LAUGH ANYHOW !!